In case you all wanted to know…

Chris and I have gone our separate ways. 

Being cheated on sucks, but he had his reasons, and there’s no point in dwelling on that.

He is happily engaged to a girl who lives with him, so, last I knew, things were going great for him. And I’m glad.

I, too, have found another man whom I’ve found an interest in.
I just worry, sometimes, that being cheated on will ruin my chances of trusting this other man. In fact, it’s already shown to be a little problematic. But he appreciates my honesty with all of it, so I actually feel pretty comfortable telling him when I don’t like certain things. 

Life overall has been great. I’m currently finishing my second year of college, and will have an associates degree after this summer. I got accepted into UW-Eau Claire and will be pursuing a degree in social work and counseling. I’ve also become (again) more involved in the church. I volunteer with the youth group, and with kid’s church some Sundays. I will be going to Fusion Bible camp this summer as a counselor. 

Things are falling together, but it’s happening so fast that it’s a little hard to keep up.

What I want

Doesn’t really matter.

You don’t feel ready.

…but I do.

And I don’t want you to lose me… but I can’t wait on you forever.

So, please, give me a reason to stay, or remind me why I have. I don’t want to lose you, but what I want doesn’t matter.

The things you (not one specific person) wouldn’t know…

Primarily because I’m too afraid to tell you:

• I think I could be okay without you. 
  
  
• I’ve changed a lot.
  
  
• I’m still waiting, I don’t want to have sex yet.
  
  
• I daydream about having you here.
  
  
• I saved the voice messages just so I could hear you tell me you loved me whenever I wanted to.
  
  
• I’m frustrated with you.
  
  
• I won’t wait on you forever.
  
  
• I think that it could be it this time.
  
   

I am a purebred disaster.

I’m trying to clear my head, but there’s so many voices, some screaming, masking the whispers that I really want to hear. I’m trying to listen to every piece of advice I try spewing to myself— wait, no, don’t. He doesn’t want you anyways. Who would?

So I’m twisting my own insides until vomit is prying at my lips, stabbed by a needle and injected with doubt, insecurities, and pure emotion.

I am a purebred disaster. I am my own demise. And I continue to fall victim to myself.

No, don’t, he doesn’t want you anyways.

I’ve swallowed my pride, poked silly jokes, tickling at my health, and I’ve stabbed myself more times in the back than anyone else ever will.

Who would?

And I am strong, but, oh, so weak.

And I am yours. Though you don’t want a disaster. I am a complete mess, and I continue to try to hide behind my fears of people knowing, so I try to be happy, try to make everyone think everything is just peaches.

But it’s not.

I’m a fucking purebred disaster, and nobody wants that.

Babe,

I need you. And I know how horribly cliched that can be, but I really, honestly do.

But I don’t want to wait forever. Especially when I know I could easily be your second or third choice.

“You’re all I need.” That was sweet and all, but that doesn’t mean I’m the only one you have. Sure, you can text other girls, but I better be the only one you send lovey-dovey texts to. It will KILL me if I’m just a stupid piece in your one-man chess game. So, let’s take a night… just. one. And let’s be honest with each other. Let’s ask questions and answer them. (Even though I’m sure you don’t have any…)

But I need this. So, please, find some time for just one night… because if I stay this lonely forever, it’s going to kill me.

PS, I didn’t want to send the first text. I was waiting until you missed me enough to say so. Here’s to hoping you actually read this. If you do, please say so… ‘cause I don’t think I can try anymore…

You have no idea

How much my stomach dropped when you said that…

Swallow your pride.

Or, maybe I should swallow mine. I’m not so high and mighty after all, especially without you. So, if you’re willing to bear with me, I will try my best to work on everything I’m doing wrong. I promise to work on being more patient and understanding, work on giving you the time and space you may need. Because this is all about learning about each other and growing together. And we missed that for the longest time. So this is me, trying to fix it if there’s any chance that I can.

Maybe it’s time for me to give up.

Because… if it hasn’t happened yet, I’m not sure it will.

I’m afraid to find out about anything you may be hiding. I don’t really have any reason to wonder if there is something that you’re hiding, but I still find myself being cautious. Please, if there is someone… just tell me so that I stop waiting all day, for days on end. 

A while ago (much before things got “better”),

I blogged about what I’d do if you found a girl before I’d moved on. 

And I will have you know, that I was never, EVER, more disgusted with someone in my life than I was the moment you said you’d found a girl.

I’d never felt so sick to my stomach for weeks on end. I knew I was nothing special, but I didn’t know you could forget so easily. 

And I had never, until that point, known that the feeling of a sinking heart could last forever, like it had fallen off of the world’s tallest skyscraper, then been put right back up to fall again.

I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to exist.

I just wanted you, and everything that came with it.

And I know that the odds of you reading this are slim, oh, so slim. But in case you ever do— you destroyed me. In ways I didn’t know I could be destroyed. And I am still… 100% certain that I love you. And it just isn’t fair.

I’m so hopelessly committed to you… and some days, it seems like you couldn’t care any less about me. So meet me half way.

Because then, I’ll only be half broken… instead of shattered and hopeless. 

Because honestly, you have no idea what’s going on inside. 

I miss

how I used to write. I feel like I never have time for it anymore. =[